Tuesday, December 31, 2002

As promised…


This is something that every knitter, no matter how inexperienced, is familiar with. You just start knitting and it just so happens that you’re in love!!! Madly in love. So you go to your yarn shop and say “I’m looking for a pattern for a sweater. I want to knit something for my boyfriend.” The other knitters at the shop tremble in horror. The Italian lady reaches for the red bullhorn around her neck. The Creole lady reaches for her chicken foot. The lady behind the counter reaches for her hand knitted rosary beads. The man knitting in the corner reaches for his flask and takes a swig. They all let out a collective sigh, coupled with a “Here we go again.”
One person says “Don’t you know of the curse?” Another adds: “It’s bad luck to knit something for a boyfriend, for once it’s done, so follows the relationship.” The Creole lady suggests: “I know a lady, she can make you a powder to block it with.” The man in the corner, well…all he can do is chuckle and take another sip of his whiskey.
The man in the corner seems so nonchalant about it all because he knows that there is no such thing as a knitting curse. It was just something invented by a little English lady to explain why her men would always leave her after she knitted them something. I knit them a sweater and they leave me…it must be a curse. Double, double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble. Anywho…
The real origin behind this so called curse is really simple…Men. As the aria says “di pasta simile son tutti quanti…le fronde immobile, l’aure incostante han più degli uomini stabilità.” Or, in plain simple English: Men are made from the same shit…the rustling leaves and inconstant winds are more stable than they. Hell, some men, the fools that they are, don’t even like sweaters. But they see a hand knitted sweater as a sign of commitment…and since they sign of commitment was not initiated by them, they get scared and begin to this that this lady wants more than I’m willing to give. Even though, you only really knitted him the sweater because you can’t stand the way he dresses. It’s not a curse. Men are just stupid and afraid of commitment.
My advice…don’t waste time knitting anything larger than a cock cozy. Not because of any curse, but because why give something to an individual that is inherently afraid of commitment? My solution: if you fear that a relationship is having troubles don’t knit him something to try and fix it. (You’d be better off getting knocked up and using the baby to salvage the relationship…although that isn’t something that I highly recommend). But if you fear that the relationship is falling apart, go to Kmart, buy him a nice sweater that you wouldn’t actually mind knitting and take the label off. I’ve done that a million times to usher a man out. Well, only once…but I have given gifts in the past that were store bought that I passed off as my own creations. However, if you KNOW that this individual is serious about having a relationship, then by all means…knit him something. And if you have any doubts, buy him something…or buy some Red Heart and go to town on your knitting machine.
However, there are several ways around this curse...but a magician never divulges the secrets of the craft...

Monday, December 30, 2002

An early morning thought on New Year's Adam

(you know...the day before New Year's Eve...after all, Adam did come before Eve...which is why she ate the apple)

You know it's extremely sad when you go to your LYS or any place of business that sells yarn and say to the person working there "Yes, I'm making a new sweater. You wouldn't happen to have any yarns in a Tropical Punch shade? ... Not the Kool-Aid Tropical Punch, but the Flavor-Aid...they're very different, you know." It's even sadder if you can say that with a straight face...

Next Topic:

The CuRsE (you know which one I'm referring to)

Friday, December 27, 2002

Well, I just finished my London Beanie. And of course I never have been on to follow a pattern to the letter... So instead of using a Rowan Magpie type of yarn, I picked up the Rowan 4-ply. Yes...that EXTREMELY thin stuff...but it had a color that matched my pea coat exactly. But it only worked on account of me pulling from the center and the other end (being the non-center) and doubling up. Turned out nice...but the family...well...I'm not going to say that they hate it, but they agree that it's too small for my big head. Of course I highlighted the part in the pattern where it says tight fitting. So, everyone with a birthday in January is getting a London Beanie...well, the ones that I like will be getting one made with Rowan. And for my cousin I'll make him one with Red Heart. Teehee...Ain't I evil!

Thursday, December 26, 2002

Okay, so I'm taking a little break from the Aran... and decided last night to put together a fun project: A Zebra print pillow.

As you can see, since I did a good portion of it freehand, basing the pattern from one for a sleeve, it just looks like big crooked black and white stripes. But they're cute crooked black and white stripes and the yarn is faboo!!! I used Lion Brand Fun Fur and Imagine. Who ever knew that acrylic yarn could be so damn fun?
Well, not having much else to say...and not being laconic by nature, I will relate a story of my outstanding ignorance:
Everyone knows that wool comes from lamb chops...before they are turned into lamb chops, of course. Llama comes from llamas. So it would be safe to assume that Alpaca and Mohair come from alpacas and moes...right? I know what you're asking: What the hell is a moe? Ah, if only I was as bright as you all before I brought up this in knitting circle one evening: "I just love mohair...in fact, one of these days I want to get my own moe so I can spin my own." They snickered, they laughed. How was I supposed to know?? But at least I didn't say "One of these days, I want a pet chenille" ...you know...the distance cousin of a chinchilla...looks a bit like an gerbil. And then, of course, I go out and get a hairless dog.

Wednesday, December 25, 2002


Monday, December 23, 2002

WARNING: The following may seem politically incorrect to some people, so if you're one of 'those' people you might be better off visiting here for today.

I remember when it was a highly desirable quality. Humor... But then, along came this term "Politically Correct" and the world was wiped free of fun. Of course I'm talking about a thread on knitlist about the use of the phrase Yarn Nazi. Etymologically speaking, this is a derivative of the Jerry Seinfeld character the Soup Nazi...a hilarious episode, loved by gentiles and Jews alike. Yet, all of a sudden you connect the N word with yarn or knitting and it suddenly becomes taboo. One person commented about how wrong it was to connect something as enjoyable as knitting to the N people. Oh, and soup isn't enjoyable?? What's better on a cold day than a handmade sweater and a nice bowl of creamy soup? Then another person went on to comment about how using the N word in connection with knitting only lessens the impact of evil in the world. Meanwhile, no one has stopped making afghans...even though their former regime was just as outdated and restrictive and plain-ol' wrong. My advice: get over yourselves, and create your own blog! Why in the hell are you going to go on an OFF-TOPIC rant wasting my valuable hard drive space with your politically correct diatribes when you know that all I'm going to do is press delete, and that would be such a wasted expenditure of physical energy. Now tell me, what the kcuf does that have to do with knitting??? Why make a kcufing mountain out of a molehill. Without a sense humor you die constipated, with a face full of wrinkles and popularly disliked by your friends and family.

Now when I first started this blog I mentioned how politically correct and my name aren't things that you would expect to hear in the same sentence. So don't seem so shocked. You were warned. This isn't to say that I have anything against any races, creeds, cultures, lifestyles, beliefs, etc. Yes, the Nazis were an evil bunch of 'people' (a word I use lightly) but does that mean that it's a social injustice to make light of their stupidity? What's the point of being politically correct when the politicians are all corrupt and, etymologically speaking, politics comes from poli, which means many and tics, which is a type of blood sucking creature. Caca del torro...that's all it is... Just laugh, dammit, LAUGH!!! I wonder what they would say about a yarn whore? *Gasp* But then again, some people do find anonymous trolling for a fee quite pleasurable...

Here's my 2-cents on the whole matter: ROTFLMFAO!!!!!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I didn't knit a single stitch yesterday. So to make up for it, I'm going to pull an all-nighter so that hopefully I can finish the sleeve for my aran and attach that to the front. Yes, I sew the sleeves on before I've blocked my garment. I'm one of those people that just abhor the finishing-up of projects. Knitters knit and sewers sew. And unfortunately, I'm only a knitter, which is why my other sweater has a whole busted under the left armpit. I do a better seam when done in spurts. But, despite not knitting yesterday, I did sift through my stash for some yarn to figure some pattern swatches out of. The yarn Nazi may be in opposition to this, but I'm using Red Heart for the swatches. I'm probably going to use the Lopi for the actual sweater, but I just want to try out a few stitches and see how they're going to look and how much work I'll end up having to put into this monstrosity of a sweater.

Saturday, December 21, 2002

Christmas is a-comin', and what do I want?
As the old song goes...'A kiss on the hand may be quite continental...' I WANT DIAMONDS AND PURLS!!!!

Anywho, I finally figured out a color scheme for my sweater. As opposed to my bright as all hell predeliction, I'm going with muted colors: red, a nice autumny orange, bronze, and a deep dark red. But this evening, I had a dream...ENTRELAC!!!! First I was thinking a spring vest...but then the idea of a full blown sweater popped into my head. Half entrelac, half stockinette. Can I do it? Certainly!!! Will it look nice?? I hope so...

Friday, December 20, 2002

Designing a sweater...
Oh this should be fun!!! I spent a good deal of time today just sitting around browsing through my yarn catalogs, just looking for something that would inspire me. There was a lot of stuff that spoke to me...yet, it didn't quite inspire me, so I'm going to spend the evening going through all of the dog-eared pages of my knitting catalogs. Something that screams "I'm did this myself" "Doesn't this look like I spent $400 at Barney's for this?" but more importantly something that screams "Nah nah nah boo boo...bite me, bitch!" And of course it would have to be a color louder than the most offensive sin (like wearing colored denim...but tasteful). And of course it would have raglan sleeves. Don't ask me why, but for some reason, I have this crazy fixation on raglan. You would think that someone fooled me into believing that I actually have shoulders that could pull off raglan sleeves. But anywho.
I want it too be cables...and ribs..and knits and purls. I know what you're thinking, but no, I'm not trying to improve on those hideous J. Crew arans (which AREN'T in every color). Maybe a Gansey, maybe an Aran again...Or maybe it will just be a style of sweater that I'll have to figure out a name for. I know what you're thinking: Does he think he's Scottish? *ahem* No, but we do have the same initials. Teehee.
But I never knew that designing would be so difficult!!! With my dog sweaters, I just start knitting and figure out what I want to do by the time I'm done with the ribbing. But not so with me... Dogs are color blind, and mine hates sweaters anyway. But I'm tossing a few bright, vibrant, offensively cheery colorways through my head...and I'd rather find the yarn in those colors than have to break out the kool aid. And of course I'd have to do something similar for the dog...so it would have to be a pattern that I wouldn't tire of after one project.

Talk Amongst Yourselves:
In a conversation with a non-knitter, I mentioned the name Elizabeth Zimmerman...of course they thought I was talking about someone from the yarn shop "Is she the lady that owns the yarn shop?" she asked. "Well, no," I responded, continuing in a manner that only I would dare continue: "She's like Anne Rice's Akasha, the knitter from whom all knitters sprout. She's the Queen of the Damned" "So, you consider yourself damned?" she asked with that gruesome 'I'm gonna impose my religion on you' look on her face. But I smiled, "Certainly. I'll be damned if I knit a single thing for you." I chuckled. I smiled. p2, k2, p2, k1, ssk, continue patt to last 9 sts, k2tog, k1, p2, k2, p2. Next Row. "You know, I could teach you how to knit, too."

Thursday, December 19, 2002

Just thought I'd post again to let everyone know that 1) I fixed the IE java issue with the comments and 2) I found my cable hook. It's amazing how many rows you can knit before you realize that the damn thing is mummified in the little roll thingie at the bottom of the cuff. So, doggie does want a matching aran afterall! Meanwhile here's a link to my ARAN...or the part of it that's assembled. Still a work in progress...
On the KnitList they're busy discussing our Beloved Scottish Designer. Anywho...here's my penny and a half worth: Who gives a felted flyin' fart! Personally, I think the world has gotten too carried away with their frivolous lawsuits. Technically, it's not copyright infringement or whatever the hell she says it is with people selling her stuff on eBay. Here's an example of how someone ended up posting "her items" for auction:
They bought it...thought it was cute from the pictures...got it made it. Then the other half said something to the effect of 'you've got too much crap cluttering up the house' probably mad on account that the sweater wasn't for him/her/it...or the all-encompassing third-person objective pronoun them. So knitter, not wanting LYS to know that they have another source resorts to eBay, where upon Queen Mary realizes that her patterns are possibly going for much higher on auction that she was selling them for. And she was infuriated!!! "Figlia impura di Bolena, parli tu di..." oh wait...wrong melodrama. I say all of that to say: we all remember what happened to Mary Stuart Queen of Scots. Handbasket for one, destination: Abaddon. Ticket ready...all aboard...choo ch...

Meanwhile, back on the ranch, I wake up early this morning with the idea of getting a jumpstart on my knitting...you know, that infamous first Aran that I certainly haven't mentioned enough. And what to my wondering eyes should disappear? My last cable hook. So here's a stock tip, if I may be so bold as so join Martha (do you see a theme running through this post? Stuart...Stewart...unintentional...but you do the math...) *returning from tangent* everyone should buy stock in Clover. At the rate that I lose cable hooks, you're bound to make an easy million. I used to keep them stored in my hair...but after a visit to the coffee shop with a pink hook sticking out of my head I had to stop that...(mainly because it didn't result in a date...or at least a wink). But as they say...necessity is a motherf... of in...ven...tion *no one noticed that, right?* When in a fix, a paper clip will work just fine. Just uncurl it so it's just a hook and...voilà! You have a cable hook. The only difference is that you might want to transfer the sts back to the left hook (or right hook, whatever your handicap) and knit it from there. I suspect that doggie got to it, as she has a certain proclivity for stealing things and taking them to her room (what do you mean it's not normal for a dog to have her own room?). But the more logical explanation is that she doesn't want to be seen in public with me wearing matching sweaters...you know how teenagers can be.

Let's see, what other knit-related topics can I discuss? I'm sure you really don't want to hear about the hole I ripped in my first sweater the other day. But I'll just save that for a day when I don't have much of anything to say.

But I will leave this as a closing thought: I hear tell from KnitList that the wonderful program that I've got on my palm pilot, the veritable god-send, the knitters Manna, the great white light at the...well, not all that great...but I hear that Knitable is now available for desktop!
Do you Yahoo!?

Well, this evening, I went to the yahoogroups site to search for some knitting groups, and the one that I was looking for was so far down on the list that by the time I got there I was told that I couldn't join since I had joined so many groups in one day. I PROTEST!!! It was only 10...that's not a lot, right? I'm a geek, not a nerd...and I'll get doggie to kick your a$$ if you say otherwise. Anywho, what's up with Yahoo! anyway? First they come up with this free email for life thing and then start charging you for everything. No POP3, no more 10MB storage (has it gone down to 1 yet?), and you've got to pay to use the personals...so, it's safe to assume that I haven't had a date since. Geez! But anywho, I've gotten that off my chest...nap time

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Can someone explain?

I was just on eBay... Now, I understand that these people are regular individuals just like you and I. But aren't they selling an item? An item that might get higher bids if it had a better presentation... An item that might come with the 'what you see is what you get' caveat... So, why in blazes are you going to post a picture with your item thrown down against a ratty carpet looking like a stack of steel? But some go far enough to actually put it on a cute little sheet...so as to give it an artistic look? Of course I'm talking about the knitting machines...and if you've visited eBay lately you know of which I speak. Granted, I'm definitely no neatnik, but c'mon! That's like going to a dating website where the person checked the box that says thin or athletic only to post a picture of a 300lb individual. I understand that thin may get more responses (or that Brother 970 may get higher bids) but false advertisement/pitiful presentations should be outlawed!!! (you see...I used UNDERSTAND...therefore, I'm understandingly insensitive). But I digress...
So, we're blogging now...But this doesn't count towards my 15- minutes of fame...infamy maybe.

I thought that I'd start off by giving you all a little info about moi. I'm a knitter...I'm a male...does this mean that I'm gay or have homosexual tendencies? Well the line forms to the right if you want a spin on the...er...uh...wirl-a-gig!

I've been called by many nice adjectives. And I can inform you that they were all fallacies. I haven't a nice bone in my body (we won't go there), I've never been accused of being politically correct, and I've got absolutely no qualms about pricking someone with a spare knitting needle. But, despite that, I am a nice pleasurable guy with a congenial personality and a semi-decent sense of humor. I can be flatteringly offensive, tactfully rude, understandingly insensitive, and approachably aloof. What does all this mean? No, really...what does all of this mean. I'm stumped. Anywho, I hope that you will enjoy my future blogs and feel more than free to contact me at knitnut@operamail.com

Continuing...I have a dog, and yes she is vicious...by all accounts. I also have a mother...[comment redacted]. We make one big slappy happy semi-functional impaired family. I spend a lot of my spare time knitting, and being "in transition" I have a lot of spare time to knit, observe, comment, throw things at the TV, etc.

And now for the knitting:
I'm a knitter and have been doing so for quite some time. Currently, I'm working on an Aran which is turning out quite nicely so far. I'm 50% done and just started the second sleeve this afternoon. Although, I didn't buy enough yarn so I'm waiting for my LYS to get my order in before I continue to the back. I'm actually suprized that I'm completing the sweater so quickly, as I'm generally a slow knitter. But, at this pace, I should have the sweater completely finished by New Year's Eve. And of course, after I finish, I'm going to pick up some cotton tweed in the same color and knit a matching Aran for doggie.
The other project, which I started last night, is a zebra print pillow. For that I'm using some Lion Brand yarn (Imagine and Fun Fur). I just started it last night to see how the yarn would knit up, and I really enjoyed knitting with it. Enjoyed it so much that I'm thinking about waiting until January when the new colors come out so that I can knit doggie a few fur coats. Yes, I know, it's ironically politically correct. But I'll be damned if I give that runt (the angel that she is) a fur before I get my own mink!!! Although I'm probably going to order some Fluff and knit her some stuff out of that too. I'm thinking about Coffee Break or the Cappucino, as they look more natural-as-it-appears-in-nature fur. But, fear not!!, she's getting a few more Fluff stuff in Tropicana and Peacock...maybe Cancun as well. Well, that's enough for one day. Meanwhile, I'm off to brew a pot of coffee....